I Will Always Protect You
by justagaygirl
Summary: Lena has a panic attack, but luckily Kara's there to help. Trigger Warning! Panic attacks, and minor mentions of self harm. Please read at your own risk!


I sit through the meeting, my foot tapping, ignoring everyone's words. _Breathe. In and out. Breathe Luthor. You can do it. Come on. Breathe. Block them out. just breathe._ I coach myself, trying train my body into taking a normal breath. I can't. I've been struggling with this for about half an hour now, and whatever I do, I can't seem to calm myself down. I've had panic attacks before. I know what this is. I know how to stop it. I should be able to stop it!

Tears come to my eyes, and I gasp again, focusing now on not crying instead of my breath. I fight desperately against the sob that builds in my chest, stopping whatever meager air I've managed to pull into my lungs. I can hear someone saying something, and the group stands. I stand with them. The world is spinning. I'm losing too much oxygen. I need to calm down. I need to breathe.

Of course, this isn't as easy as my fucked-up brain makes it out to be. As soon as everyone's out, I press my back against the wall, trying desperately to ground myself. Five things I can see. Um, the desk. The table, chairs, a pen and a brilliantly white sheet of paper. Fuck, not working. Making it worse. Breaths come faster as I try to continue the grounding.

Okay. Okay. Four things I can feel. The bumpy, cold wall, the tight fabric of my silk shirt, my shoes, squeezing my feet into small cramped spaces, and my fingernails, digging into my skin. Shit. No. No I can't do that. I can't do that. As quickly as I can, I release my arm, squeezing my eyes shut as the world grows foggier, and I'm sucked further into my panicked mind.

_Hear. Come on you fucking idiot, hear. What can you hear Lena?!_ I scream at myself, clutching at my ears trying to block out the screams. People yelling around me, yelling _at_ me. I can't. I can't. I can't.

I feel myself falling to the side, and I can hear myself screaming along with the people in my head. They're surrounding me. Pressing me into a smaller space. The walls are closing in on me, trapping me with all of the people. Supergirl stands at the front of the group, yelling, egging everyone on. Then she's not Supergirl anymore. She's Kara. The two are one and the same. They hate me. They want me dead. I deserve to be dead. Everything would be better off.

The thoughts slam against me like a hurricane, smothering, drowning me. Killing me. Everything is a whirl. I can't do it. I can't do it anymore. Vaguely, I feel my nails in my skin again. sometimes it would help stop this. clearly, right now is not one of those times. Then, a break. Something, someone, a presence lessens the pain. A voice. I can barely make it out, but its there.

"Lena…me…take…hand?" I can hear everything, but I manage a stiff nod, knowing that whoever it is, is trying to help. The person takes my hand, squeezing it gently, trying to bring me back. I sob loudly, and the hand loosens, but I hold on tightly.

"Lena…Lena, its Kara. You're here. You're safe. Its not real. It's a panic attack. You're going to get through this. I'm right here." I make out, the voice foggy, but still there. Kara. Kara's here. Kara's here. She's going to protect me. Kara's going to protect me. I force a shuddering breath, but I can't maintain them. I just keep gasping, squeezing her fingers as hard as I can.

"Honey, I'm right here. Can I take your other hand Lena? Is that okay?" I nod again, and she reaches for my left, allowing me two hands to squeeze now, instead of one.

"Okay. Okay, good. That's really good. I'm going to place your hand on my heart, okay?" another small nod. She shifts forward, and I feel my hand over her heart. Her strong, steady heartbeat matches with the air that she takes into her lungs. It feels good. Its comforting. It helps to take me from that other world. Why does she know what to do? Why does she know how to help me? Why does she know?

"Okay. I need you to breathe. Breathe with me Lena." She coaxes, still holding my hand. I manage a shallow shaky breath through my nose, but it doesn't help. It doesn't work. I sob again, but she just squeezes my hand.

"Good. that was good. Can you try through your mouth this time? It will help." Willing to do anything to gain my breath back, I open my mouth and take a shaking gasp of air, my diaphragm filling with a little bit of air.

"Good job. You're doing amazing sweetie. Just keep breathing. I've got you. You're safe with me." The blonde promises, her gentle, wonderful voice filling my ears, taking over the others. The screaming. The closed spaces. She's bringing me back. Her beautiful voice, simply her being there, coaxing me back into the land of the living.

A few more breaths, and I can feel again. of course, I feel shaky and scared, but the numbness is gone. finally gone. I open my eyes a little, and stare into the wonderful crystal eyes of the woman who sits in front of me, protecting me. Shielding me from danger.

"That's good Lena. Is it okay if I hug you?" I sob again, trying to crawl into her arms. She holds me close, kissing my hair, murmuring softly as the last bits of the panic attack fall away, leaving me as a shell, scared, vulnerable, and so very glad to have the woman I love holding me.

She strokes my hair, my cheek, pushing tears off my face, gazing down at me with those beautiful orbs. When finally, the crying stops, I feel weak.

"T-thank you…I'm sorry…" I croak, nuzzling close to the blonde.

"Shh…no apologizing. We don't want you to have another attack, okay?" She murmurs, probably hearing as my heartrate picks up. I don't answer, simply stay in her arms, breathing deeply. We're interrupted fifteen minutes later, when Jess comes in, face full of worry.

"Ms. Luthor are—"

"Just…she's—"

"It was a panic attack Jess. I'm alright now. Kara s going to take me home." I whisper, cuddling against the reporter's chest.

"I am? of course I am." Kara mutters, probably to herself, looking around the room, embarrassment hot on her cheeks.

"I'll clear your schedule." Jess replies knowingly, walking out of the room, leaving me with the older woman. I don't want to go home. Home is lonely. Home is quiet. Home is whitewashed, and uncomfortable. It's the place I cry in everynight. The place I'm so scared to be. I take the threats to my life lightly around others, but in truth, I don't sleep unless my door is locked, my windows are locked, and without several alarms to wake me so I can triple check all of those things. I don't eat unless much unless I've prepared it by myself, or checked everything for every poison I can think of and I _don't_ do leftovers. I even struggle to drink coffee without wanting to check it for poisons. I still have packed boxes. I believed I'd be chased out of the city, so I decided to only unpack the bare necessities.

"Lena?" My best friend questions as I blink more tears from my eyes. _You're weak Luthor. Fucking weak. Nothing but a scared girl hiding in a brave woman's shell _my mind screams, the painful thought cutting me deep.

"Lena, what's wrong?" She murmurs, pushing my hair from my face. "You can tell me. I won't be mad." She says gently, leaning forward to rest her forehead against mine.

"I…I don't want to go home…its…its dark…its…please, I don't want to go home. I want…Kara…I'm scared…" I croak, telling the truth. I'm too vulnerable. Too fucking vulnerable.

"Okay. Okay, that's alright. Le, its okay. We can go to your office, or my place, wherever. As long as you can rest, where we are doesn't matter." She whispers, pressing a kiss to my hair. I smile, and lean up, pressing my lips against hers.

"How about we get you somewhere comfortable?" She suggests, smiling gently down at me. I nod, and she pulls me to her chest to carry me.

"Oh shit, I should've asked. Is this—" I wrap my arms around her neck, snuggling closer.

"Don't let go…" I murmur, allowing my tired eyes to slip closed, as she carries me out of the building. I've never felt safer than when I'm with this woman. She means the world to me. She's my rock. She's my everything. And just as she promised, she'll always protect me. I believe that more now, more than ever.


End file.
